The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
His sentence: I can still see Hassan up on that tree, sunlight flickering through the leaves on his almost perfectly round face, a face like a Chinese doll chiseled from hardwood: his flat, broad nose and slanting, narrow eyes like bamboo leaves, eyes that looked, depending on the light, gold, green, even sapphire.
My thoughts: The author makes a complete simple thought at the beginning of the sentence but then follows by detailing his statement by using many phrases, clauses, and even a colon to further explain the significance in Hassan's looks. This technique is classified as either a loose or cumulative sentence, where the main part of the sentence is in the beginning and is followed by fluff or details to build on the actual point. The reason he used such structure was maybe to reveal or mimic his meandering thought process as he was almost daydreaming in rememberance of Hassan's appearance.
My sentence: Deidra had never experienced a sadness so great, her eyes filled with tears and her heart seemed to break like shattered glass falling to to the floor, her mind held on to what seemed like the smallest possible amount of hope: she longed for release of misery but the phrase 'time heals everything' had not yet come through in her situation.